I am puke
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
