Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
