if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
