I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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