Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
