So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
