Your face is a jimmy john
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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