He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
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Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
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I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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