I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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