We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
