i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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