I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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