threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
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I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
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She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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