okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
