Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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