I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
