I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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