and next time when you feel me up, do it right
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
