I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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