Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
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you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
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Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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