cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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