I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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