I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
