I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I wear drunk well.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
