My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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