zippers are such a cool invention
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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