So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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