I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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