Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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