When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
