I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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