i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
