I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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