I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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