saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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