is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
