I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Too much gin, very little bucket
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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