Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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