covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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