Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
