I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
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I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
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I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...