She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂