what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
