I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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