this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
