dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
