On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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