I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
