My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
