i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
