I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
