I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
