i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
If that was your dad, he is hot
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
smell my finger.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Randomize
