so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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