just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
