I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
