The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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